Sunday, January 3, 2010

Martin Christmas and a Sad Goodbye

Oh you guys... I know i've been starting lots of posts this way lately, but I really do want to thank you SO much for your support. I've been really trying to stay positive and just be there for Austin and his family. I'd be lying if I said it hasn't been hard - I just hate to see people sad and see people grieve. I don't know what it's like to be that sad over a loss, so it's been a little rough. Anywho - thank you all for your sweet, uplifting comments and support. :)

Backing up real quick, January 1st was pretty much a doozy. Just eating, watching TV and eating. Haha The boys (Austin’s little bros) did come by to stay – but that’s about the only action me, Austin and Reuben saw! I ended up at 1,759 calories, 229 carbs, 51 fat grams and 79 protein grams. Here’s what I ate.

Saturday I woke up feeling beat. His parents came over around 10 a.m. and we did Christmas together (it had been delayed with all of the family stuff). They were, as usual, way too generous and thoughtful. They bought us a grill, grill stuff, gardening tools, lots of outdoor items, a Christmas puppy pillow for Reuben, tennisballs, giftcards, The Hangover and the list goes on. Everyone seemed to like the gifts we gave them so that felt really great! Afterwards I made Asian-inspired Lemon Chicken and egg drop soup, then it was time to shower and head to the visitation. It was a long, sad day. Visitation from 1 – 4 p.m. then over to his grandparents to eat…. visitation from 6 – 8:30 p.m. then over to his grandparents to visit/eat… we got home at 11:30 p.m. exhausted, mentally and physically. I don’t know the how the family is hanging in there… it was a long day. I worked on Austin's grandfather's funeral video and made some great headway, then passed at around 1 a.m. I ended up at 1,688 calories, 214 carbs, 52 fat grams and 78 protein grams. Here’s what I ate.

I thought yesterday was bad, but today was a hard one you guys. Lots of tears, lots of sadness, very emotional. It was a beautiful service and there wasn’t a seat in the chapel. After the service we went out to the cemetery, saw her off, then went to visit Austin’s great grandmother and great grandfather, who we saw off just last year and two years before that. Later we went back to his grandparents house and visited, ate lunch and said our goodbyes. Austin needed to get to Orlando - he flew out today so the last few days have also involved trying to work in laundry and packing.

Right now I feel sad, slightly overwhelmed and a little lonely. Sad over both losses for Austin and his family. Overwhelmed because I feel behind; behind at work and at home. I don’t even know where to start catching up. And lonely because I’ve been surrounded with people – more than normal you know? – but now it’s just me and Reuben bear and I miss Austin. I just need to look at the positive. The family will be okay over time, everything at work and home will get done and I know that, and I’ve missed Reuben bear over the busy holidays so it will be nice to get some one-on-one, right? I guess i'm just in a wallowing kind of mood which is kind of unlike me but sometimes it is what it is.

I’m now in bed watching Reservation Road. May not be the best idea – it’s kind of depressing! I need to get up and cook for tomorrow. Pack my gym bag. Get my work stuff ready. Do laundry. The works. But for now, I think I’m just going to try to relax with my sweet pupper.

I’m sorry this post is a downer. Tomorrow I plan to assess December and review January. As dorky as it may sound assessing and setting goals makes me very happy and positive! Haha I hope you’re all doing well – I’m off to catch up on your blogs now!


Meredith said...

I am so sorry for the emotional stress. I am sure Austin and his family appreciate you being there and helping with the video.

Have you read Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas by James Patterson? One of the points from the book is that work is a rubber ball (it will bounce back if you drop it). I lump household work in that ball too. Relationships, faith, etc. are glass balls. If they are dropped then damage is done. Don't worry about the house or work stuff. It will get done. Take care of yourself and your loved ones.

Sorry for the long post! I'm thinking about you chica!

homecookedem said...

:( So sorry you've been feeling so sad lately. I'm sure things will start feeling happier soon enough. I totally agree with what Meredith said. All that other stuff like house and work stuff just simply doesn't matter. Take care and I'll keep praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're feeling down! I'm sure it's because you and Austin are so close so you're taking on his pain, emotional stress, etc. I'm sure you'll be feeling better soon. As cliche as it sounds, time heals all wounds!

Andrea@WellnessNotes said...

I've been thinking of you and Austin and his family. Loss is very hard... Sending you a big hug.

prettyface said...

:-( Thanks for making ME cry.... :-) Just kidding- (I did cry, but that's OK). I'm so sorry for everything- and so sorry you're lonely and sad. I've been there and it's a horrible feeling- sucks. And Reservation Road is DEPRESSING as crap. LOL.

I hope your Monday and week are a good one- love ya girl.

Anonymous said...

Sorry you've been having such a hard time. It's definitely been an emotional couple of weeks for you. It'll get easier though and I'm sure you'll get back to feeling like your old self after a while.

Melissa said...

So sorry that you are feeling so hard....that's really hard. Just remember one of my favorite sayings, "This too will pass." Chin up and smile!

Ameena said...

I am so sorry you are going through so much right now! I hope that things get easier for you soon.

Joelle (The Pancake Girl) said...

Don't apologize! It happens my dear.. sadness and loss comes in sweeping motions I find, but there will be sunshine again for you and your family. I pray soon..

To a happy 2010! :)

Shar said...

Hope to hear you are feeling better soon.

I can't wait to read your review and new goals.
I'm actually 'pinching' your idea and setting myself a distance goal for the year, having bubs in Feb will see me out for lots of walks and I hope to run a 1/2 marathon so should be covering a few KM's.
Hope you don't mind me picnhing!

Shar x

Anonymous said...

So sorry for your family's recent losses. One right after the other is tough, I can relate. Yeah - Revolutionary Road was probably not the best movie choice for you at this time. LOL! Hang in there...

Samma said...

I am thinking about y'all- loss is always so hard around the holidays. Please know you are in our prayers!

Anonymous said...

Im so sorry to hear about that.

And yes, Revolutionary Road is Depressing. But good!

I'm thinkin about ya!

Anonymous said...

*hugs* Such a hard time for you and Austin, and his family.

I get the lonely feeling after periods of lots of interaction - it is always good to acknowledge those feelings and use the alone time to regroup and centre yourself again.
Give Reubs lots of cuddles.... sweet little man.

Big Pissy said...

You need some time to unwind, de-stress....whatever you want to call it. Get lots of kisses and snuggles from Reuben. You'll feel a lot better.

Love you!

fittingbackin said...

Meredith: Thank you so much. I've never read that book but I see what you're saying - what a good way to put things in perspective. Thank you SO MUCH for your thoughts. :)

Homecookedem: Thanks, girly! I think so, too. I appreciate you!

Angie: I think you're right - we have definitely pushed ourselves through a lot and it's like it's just now all hitting me! You're right - I think I will!

Andrea: Thank you - I need big hugs! You're so sweet. :)

Prettyface: It WAS depressing as crap. haha You're so cute - you made me LOL! hehe

Inmytummy: accurate description for sure! Thanks for understanding. :)

Melissa: You're so right - I said that to myself every day in grad school! haha Thank you!

Ameena: Thanks - you're right. I think I just needed to get it all out! Thanks for being here.

Joelle: yes - sweetping motions is IT! It like swells up and hurts and then goes away! Thanks girl - happy 2010 fo sho!

Shar: Thanks so much, girl! Oh please- pinch all you want! :) You're so sweet!

Jacey: It wasn't the best movie pick at all! haha Thanks for your support. :)

Samma: Oh I know it - i'm like holidays? It felt like an eternity! Thank you. :)

Lisa: Thank you very much! It was.... gah... Jennifer Connelly is an amazing actress and so is baby fanning. Thanks for that!

Theskinnyjeans: Yes! I never usually go from that much togetherness to this much aloneness but you're right - take it for what it is and use it to center yourself... and get cuddles. :) Thanks, girl!

Big Pissy: Definitely - you're right. I already feel better to be honest. My first workout of 2010 pumped me up fo sho. :)